| My DH is getting there |
[Jan. 23rd, 2007|12:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  honest | ] |
It's a little over two years since I've visited this journal. Actually, I had even forgotten I'd been keeping a journal like this.
During these two years, things have changed quite a lot, but then again, they haven't. I'm still one of the JW's, officially that is. Recently my DH has been studying the Bible quite a lot, and he's struggling with the same doubts I was struggling with a couple of years ago. He still believes the Bible is God's word, and he believes the Society is closest to the truth when it comes to the big picture: trinity, afterlife, paradise on Earth... but he's also painfully aware of all the defects of the Society: the mind control, ridiculous teachings and prophecies, and above all, the way sources are blatantly misquoted in Society's publications.
The more he studies things, the more he keeps running into these misquotations. You can explain away a couple of them, as everyone makes mistakes, but not this amount of them. We've discussed it, and I've told him that's the thing that bothers me the most. False prophecies can be made purely out of ignorance, but those misquotations can't be explained by anything else than dishonesty. He agrees.
It's very interesting to watch someone having exactly the same thoughts I've had before. He's in the "Society is horribly wrong but it's still closest to the Bible" state where I was in about two and a half years ago. First and foremost, though, I'm feeling relieved - I can, finally, be honest with him about my own doubts and disbelief because he's thinking about the same stuff.
I know it sounds horrible. I've kept my thoughts to myself and haven't even had the courage to discuss them with my DH, the person I trust the most. But this is what the Society does to your mind. |
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| Fear of death |
[Oct. 4th, 2004|10:52 pm] |
HA, I've finally managed to overcome my fear of death. Or, to be more exact, my fear of not existing.
About a year ago, I used to be afraid of daemons. They were the thing I feared the most, and sometimes when I fell asleep on my back (somehow that position seems to be the worst), I had these very vivid nightmares of them. After realizing the truth about "Truth," I had nightmares about dying. I dreamed about my husband suddenly being dead, for example.
I've always felt the need to exist. The mere thought of suddenly ceasing to exist used to irritate me. I've never been afraid of death, but I have this urge to live, think, feel, and experience things. However, the more I've been able to think about it, the less it irritates me to cease to exist. For most of the time we human beings have existed, I haven't. So what if I cease to exist some day? At least I don't suffer. I don't believe in an afterlife, but I can't be 100% sure, of course.
Sometimes that makes me so curious that I'd like to kill myself just to see how things are. Which is quite stupid, in the case this life really is all we have... and, not to mention the grief my loved ones would feel when I suddenly did it. So it's just a thought experiment, I'd never actually do it. But I'm curious. |
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| What to believe? |
[Jul. 3rd, 2004|06:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  it's all... in vain | ] |
I know, no updates for a long time.
:: pauses to experience a déjà vu ::
Why do I seem to start all my posts like that? Oh well, it's still too draining to pause and think about this stuff, so I don't do it frequently. But, no matter how hard I try to forget, I'll eventually end up coming back. Always.
I've been wondering lately what to believe in. Is there such a thing as a truth? It seems that for every opinion there are arguments for and against, reasons to believe and reasons not to believe. It's happened with many things, of which the most significant is the Bible. How can you know what was said in the first versions of it? How was it decided which books were canonical and which weren't? How can you know which interpretation is right?
The last question is important. It seems that you can use the Bible for backing up almost any argument. Trinity? Sure, it's in the Bible. Father is Greater than Son? Sure, it's in the Bible as well. If it really was the God's word, why would God want to make it so obscure? It doesn't make any sense.
I've noticed the same thing with many other things that interest me. Psychology, politics, statistics... some things seem very obvious at the first glance, but when you examine them a little closer, you'll notice there is no black or white, just large areas of different shades of grey. It's hard to decide which theory to support because they all seem to have an equal amount of arguments for and against. Your own perceptions? They can be disturbed as well.
So, what should I trust? Nothing, I guess. |
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| hee hee hee |
[May. 25th, 2004|02:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | amused | ] |
Yeah, this is a lame meme everyone on LJ suddenly seems to be doing, but my results actually cracked me up. I just had to post it here. XD
| PARENTAL | | ADVISORY | 5ERDREAM CONTAINS
EXPLICIT LYRICS |
From Go-Quiz.com |
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| Mormons and JWs |
[May. 24th, 2004|10:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I was looking for info on Mormons, and it just struck me how similar many high-mind-control-self-proclaimed-truth religions are. I landed on some Mormon apostate sites (yeah, they have those too), and I guess it's mentally as hard for a Mormon to get out as it is for a JW. I saw this site, and it was really funny to notice how well many of the principles apply to JWs as well. Here are a couple of quotes from the site, and note how well they would describe JWs too:
"People are always asking me how I fell away from the Mormon church. It's hard to make them understand that I didn't fall away—I walked."
"It's quite true that when you start delving into writings that contradict orthodox church doctrine and history, you place your faith at risk. But it's equally true that an unexamined, unquestioned faith is not worth keeping. If Mormonism is true, then it should stand up to any degree of scrutiny. The only reason to fear anti-Mormon literature is if you fear Mormonism won't stand up to the scrutiny. This should tip you off that something is rotten in the state of Utah. A religion with full confidence in its own claims has no need to shield its members from competing claims."
"You find it convenient to call me a liar when I suggest that Joseph Smith didn't translate the Book of Mormon from ancient plates of gold. You find it convenient to call me a liar when I suggest that there were never horses or steel swords in the Western Hemisphere during Book of Mormon times. You find it convenient to call me a liar when I suggest that Joseph Smith secretly married more than thirty women and then illegally and unconstitutionally destroyed a press that attempted to reveal this fact.
(...)
Here's what I think. I think you find it too disturbing and threatening to credit that someone can look at the same historical sources as you and come to a radically different conclusion. I think it's easier for you to shut your eyes and shout 'Liar!' than it is for you to confront the idea that I'm sincere in my beliefs. You just can't accept that my intentions are anything but sinister."
And here's a quote from another site. Ring any bells?
"The LDS Church professes to be a restoration of the primitive church established by Jesus. Following his crucifixion, the primitive church is believed to have fallen into a state of apostasy which reigned until 1820, when Joseph Smith, a young man living in New York, was selected by God to be his instrument in bringing forth the 'restoration of the fullness of times.'"
Well, yeah. What would make JWs any different? |
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| So I met HM |
[May. 24th, 2004|09:19 pm] |
EDIT 2007/01/23: Making this friends only post public. These days, I don't feel this stuff is too personal to be kept in a friends only post.
I know. No updates for over a month. But it just is like this, I'm actually a tad bit too tired of thinking about all this JW and "apostate" stuff all the time - it just plain hurts sometimes. And when I'm not thinking about it, I'm updating my politically correct journal where I can be a little more specific about myself without getting... caught.
Anyway, I haven't told you about what happened when I met HM (the old df'ed JW friend I got in touch with again). I met her Thursday, Apr 22nd just like we had planned. It was nothing strikingly special, she just told me her story and we talked about our experiences, which was quite interesting and, to use a JW term here, encouraging. She also told me the ins and outs of being a pioneer, the arrogant attitude of the pioneer sisters in our congregation, and, more interestingly, what she had learned in the pioneers' school. (Because I'm from Finland, I don't know if there's a special English theocratic term for this, so I just translated it verbatim from Finnish and call it the pioneers' school.)
HM, who's a reserved cerebral type like me, told me she was pretty shocked when she first attended the pioneers' school. She told me the meeting reminded her of a meeting of some charismatic sect. Everyone was getting emotional, crying out of joy, hugging each other, telling each other how wonderful this was. And we're talking about reserved Finns here!
She also told me some nice little facts about the pioneers. According to HM, they taught to pioneers that if a Bible student is having a birthday and invites the pioneer over as well, the pioneer can freely attend the birthday so (s)he wouldn't hurt the Bible student's feelings! They also said in the school that from now on, it isn't quite appropriate for two pioneer sisters to live together (which is pretty common for financial reasons). Why? Because homosexual civil unions became legal in Finland, so "how would the neighbors feel if there were two people of the same sex living together? It would be the same as two people of the opposite sex living togeter."
This all sounds so unbelievable I still don't know if I should believe it or not. She also told me all kinds of other unbelievable things about pioneers. Well, it was interesting. She said she still has her pioneer handbook, and she can borrow the book to me. I haven't been it touch with her since 22nd Apr, so I don't have the book yet. Hmm, maybe I should contact her again and ask for the book... |
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| Watchtower quotes |
[Apr. 20th, 2004|02:13 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | amused | ] |
quotes.watchtower.ca
What an excellent website. It contains the Society's own words on various subjects, so it should be completely safe for every JW to look at. No apostate lies, no editorial comments, just direct quotes from the WTBTS publications. The parts of the text related to the current topic are highlighted, but there's enough surrounding text left to preserve the context. So, if you claim the above site is an "apostate" site, you're just claiming the Society's own older publications are apostate material! Not very clever, huh?
I'd also like to quote Watchtower 1957, May 15. I've underlined the same parts of text the website has highlighted. As you see, this "food" from the "faithful and discreet slave" strongly encourages you to study the older publications, and the website is a great aid for that.
( Appreciating Basic Christian Publications )
So, since it's encouraged to study the older publications, that's what I've been doing. There's all sort of interesting, and sometimes even funny, stuff over there. The article published in Awake! 1973 about chess really cracked me up and almost got me on the floor laughing. |
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| Long time no see... |
[Apr. 19th, 2004|09:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  okay | ] |
It's been about, what, five weeks since the previous journal update? This seems like I've been avoiding the whole LJ place altogether. And, to speak the truth, that's exactly what I've been doing!
Ok, I haven't been avoiding LJ or the internet completely, just all the apostate stuff. I haven't updated this particular journal, I haven't read my mighty_frigg@mailmight.com email, and I haven't been posting in the JW forums. I've been updating my other journal (the politically correct one, the one my JW friends can safely read), reading my other email (again, the politically correct one), and doing a whole lot of other things on the net, but not this in particular.
It's actually amazing how easy it would be to get brainwashed again if you stayed away from the apostate sites for long enough. It could almost happen in five weeks, but not quite - I'm still writing this stuff, aren't I?
I'm actually quite happy I checked my email today because I had gotten some very nice mails. One of them was also a little scary - it was from an old JW friend who was disfellowshipped some time ago. I actually wanted to get in touch with her again, and I saw an anonymous message at an XJW forum that made me immediately 101% sure it was her, although the post was short and didn't give out any specifics. It could have been anyone. But immediately after reading half of the post I just knew it. Sometimes my intuition is correct, and that definitely was one of those times. I was so sure.
Unfortunately it was an anonymous poster and not a registered one, so I couldn't send any emails or private messages to her. So, I decided to write a post that seemed very general to most people, but I gave out some info that would certainly make this anonymous poster recognize herself if it really was the person I thought it was.
Well, there were no replies for several days, maybe weeks, so I just forgot it. Consciously I thought that maybe I was just hoping too much and it wasn't really this particular person after all because the post could have suited almost anyone, but I still had this nagging intuitive feeling it really was her. And although I didn't hear anything about her, I was still sure it was her.
Ok, so several weeks passed, and for some reason, I just happened to read my emails today. And guess who had sent me email yesterday? Yes, it was her, quoting the very post I had made on the forum well over a month ago! I was happy, but the same time a little scared. I had previously made some posts on the forum that gave out enough specific details that make it very easy to recognize me, and she certainly did. In this case, it was only positive, but you can imagine I could get in a deep, deep trouble if someone... um... unwanted would see my posts!
Fortunately, if someone is hanging out at an XJW forum, they probably will not get me in trouble if they recognize me! |
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| Official announcement by UN |
[Mar. 10th, 2004|08:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | amused | ] |
http://www.un.org/dpi/ngosection/watchtower.pdf
As you can see, the above link points to the official UN website, so it isn't even any apostate propaganda. ^_~ You can only imagine how many inquiries they've got about the whole WTBTS/DPI issue, so they decided to announce their answer publicly. The announcement is pretty brief, though, it only tells that by accepting the association with DPI, the WTBTS agreed to meet criteria for association, and the announcement lists the criteria to become associated with DPI.
I'm going to show this to the hubby and see what he thinks about the announcement. He can safely look at this because it's not anything produced by the evil apostates. |
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| Whoa! |
[Mar. 4th, 2004|08:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sick | ] |
This hasn't quite been one of the best days. First of all, I've got a flu, fever, and a headache. There's a meeting today, and I was supposed to be the partner in a sister's speech. Well, I actually wanted to be in the speech (I'll admit it, I still want recognition in the congregation) but because I was so sick, I thought I'd better not go to the meeting today. I tried to call the sister and tell her I can't make it to the meeting, but of course she didn't answer the phone! I know how stressful it is if you've got a speech to do, and one hour before it the partner calls and says, sorry I'm sick, you'll need to find someone else, so I called through some sisters I knew, and luckily I managed to arrange another partner for the sis who had the speech.
I don't know what's the point of telling you all this, but I just felt like telling. Anyway, the husband went to the meeting, and I have a couple of hours to freely browse "apostate" sites and write this journal without the fear of him walking in on me.
Anyway, I just finished reading an article called I was disfellowshipped for being raped, and I don't know what made me read it through, it certainly didn't make me feel any better! It was just so sad and tragic to read... But I somehow understand the elders, too - I think they had their reasons for not believing it was a rape.
This story just made me feel so sad. If I was a "good sister" (aka heavily under the Society's mind control) I would think this story is a lie, written for the sole purpose of distracting Jehovah's servants away from the "truth." But I see these stories everywhere, even on discussion forums, and I simply refuse to believe that the stories told on discussion forums are lies. I mean, come on, the forums are mainly full of Ex-JWs, so it would be completely useless to tell all these lies to an apostate audience if they weren't true and if the people weren't seeking for support. It would take a really paranoid conspiracy theoretist to believe something else!
Anyway, I feel shocked and bad. So this is the association I belong to. And I simply can't get enough courage to tell my husband, tell my parents, tell my JW friends that I'm not anymore the "sister in good standing" that they believe. Not yet, I just can't bring myself to do it, but I feel so bad. I feel like a hypocrite, I feel like I'm constantly lying to the people I love. And, well, that's what I am doing! Lying to the people I love!
And yet, I can't tell... I just don't know how long I will put up with this, though. I'm intending to slowly fade away so I wouldn't get disfellowshipped, at least not so abruptly, but I just don't know if I can put up with this any longer. I'm sure my hubby will start noticing something soon, because I've noticed I'm these days moody more often than before, I'm irritable more often than before, I'm apathetic... I'm not my own happy self anymore. Well, ok, I still am sometimes, but just not as often as I used to be.
Yes, I know. I have issues. But right now I'll have to concentrate on getting over the most acute issue - this awful flu that makes me feel like trash. |
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| Time for some silly tests! |
[Mar. 2nd, 2004|02:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
Excellent, yesterday's depression is gone! This day started off much better, anyway. If you start your day with making love, making some coffee, and making a new friend on the net, what else would you be than happy? =)
I've been reading through other peoples' LJs and taking some online tests that seemed interesting. Some of the tests actually turned out interesting, too...
( so here are a couple of totally useless (and way too accurate) test results: ) |
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| Sigh :( |
[Mar. 1st, 2004|05:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Misc. Depeche Mode MP3s | ] |
It's a sunny, lovely day in this northern country. There's plenty of snow outside, but it's pretty warm (about -5 °C) and very sunny. The sun shines so brightly it almost dazzles me when I look outside, and the light dances on the white snow. I can sense the early spring in the fresh air.
Yes, the day's just beautiful. That makes me even more depressed today. The bright light hurts my eyes, and I'd like to sulk and dwell in my bad mood, but it would be much easier if it was dark and rainy outside. Well, luckily the sun will go down soon. I'm not that well in touch with my feelings, so the only way to cheer me up is to dwell in my bad feelings and intensify them until I've had enough and I become my happy self again.
I don't actually know why I'm so down. I've just been a bit down lately. I find it pretty hard to concentrate on anything, and that makes me extremely bored, because I'm one of those people who usually love concentrating on complex mental projects. And the utter boredom in turn makes me even more depressed... Duh! >.<
Well, I have to say I'm feeling a bit better now. Maybe it's because the stupid sun is finally going down, I'm having a bit time alone, I have a big mug of hot black coffee in front of me, and I'm writing this useless Live Journal entry. |
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| Well, well, well... |
[Feb. 29th, 2004|01:43 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | curious | ] |
So, it's done. I've got my very own Live Journal. Whoa. o.O
I've always had this impression that only angsty teenage grrrls, who watch anime, write fanfic, take all sorts of silly online tests, and wRiTe LiKe kEwL tEeNs wRiTe, have blogs. But I guess I'll have to accept that not all of the bloggers fit this stereotype... Well, I do take all sorts of stupid online tests, I'm actually a hopeless test junkie, but I'm not an angsty teen (at least not a teen... I'm not sure about the angsty part though) and I definitely don't watch anime or write fanfic. ^_^
I've had a pretty big religious disappointment and I'm currently going through a very difficult phase in my life. I thought keeping a journal would help me clear my thoughts a bit, and I decided to make the journal public, so others who are going through the same may find something helpful in this blog. |
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